90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
