New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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