Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize