Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
FUCK WHALES
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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