It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize