4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
