Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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