I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
