Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
