Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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