So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
pop tarts are not kleenex
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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