dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
