I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
