life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
