wanna go halves on a baby?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
