Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
