My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
