God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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