you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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