It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Randomize
