roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
