people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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