I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
third nipple confirmed
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
