I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
