when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
