that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
