Have you finally orgasmed yet?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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