I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
