I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
