She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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