Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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