I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
