i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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