I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
