im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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