I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
