Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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