Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
