also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
