He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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