Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
It's official drugs can't kill me
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
