She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
