You just made me feel so damn special
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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