Just fell off a train. Bad.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
