God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
