he wants to bone in the snuggie
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
