I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
