So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize