Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize