Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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