so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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