My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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