She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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