a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So much rum. So many feels.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
