my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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