when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
