I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
